Just getting to know you and just thinking, I would have liked to have a sister like you. He’s lucky.
You are really human and a stubborn one.
Thanks for this really insightful advice. You answered some of the questions that I had in my head.
I think I was looking for an answer about that since a long time ago and reading it written, in that way, many times, I think I understand better.
The difference about judging and disagreeing, thank you very much. I keep that in mind.
It’s really nice for your brother Family is one of the or the most precious thing in life.
Maybe I should try what you tried (it’s not for someone who is suicidal), because I want to make someone really dear to me to open up, but each time, it’s like she’s closing herself. So I don’t know how to do it, it’s like I’m hurting her when I ask her. It’s like I can’t communicate with her about some matters. Maybe it’s the way I ask her or she’s not ready.
How long did it take for you for your brother to open up? I know it’s different for everyone, but the whole process, you asked every day?
In this video a composer also talks about his own and his wife’s depression and that he thinks the most important thing is to have someone to talk to, so a person won’t feel completely lonely (he adds that he thinks that this aspect has probably saved each others lives and he wants others to encourage that they don’t feel completely lost and try to get some help if they need some):
He has so many songs that I don’t know all but I like his music in general.
I felt sad for him when I saw the video but I think it is important that artists or other people with a larger reach speak about such private issues because then the acceptance and knowledge about this topic will rise and more people may get comprehension.
Hi, I’ve had a busy week, but finally I have time to answer you!
You seem like a really nice person too, so your dear one is lucky too in my opinion.
It’s hard for me to judge if it’s a good idea for you to try this on your dear one, since I don’t know her and I don’t know how she might react. But I think it could be a good strategy if it seems like she WANTS to talk, but something is hindering her.
However, if she’s evasive and you can see that she really really doesn’t want to talk about it, then I’m not sure if it’s the best idea. If that’s the case then maybe you could ask if she wants to talk about it with someone that’s not you. I gave my brother this option too, to give him that choice and to show that I wasn’t trying to be nosy, but that I really just wanted to help. In his case he said that if he was going to talk to anyone, he prefered it to be me, but I think that can differ from person to person. I think the important thing is to show that you want to be there for her, and at the same time respect her will. It’s tricky, it really is. To push, and yet not push too hard.
It can also be like you say, that she’s not ready to open up yet. Then I think the most important thing is to just tell her that WHENEVER she wants to talk, about WHATEVER she wants to talk about, you will always be ready to listen to her. And still love her. And then back off, and let her come on her own. I work like that, I open up when people back off and give me the choice.
My brother had smaller episodes for years, but it didn’t seem too serious. I thought I had enough with my own problems and somehow thought he’d snap out of it on his own. Not very flattering, but the truth. But it got worse and worse. I didn’t really understand how bad it was until he was in really bad form and started talking about suicide. Then I got scared. From the moment I really set my mind to getting my brother to talk, until he finally began talking it took around 4 months. My badgering questions started around the last 1,5 months. I didn’t ask him every day, he would have killed me, lol, but every time I noticed that he was in a bad way (it was very obvious, he would curl up in his bed wispering “I want to die”). I would sit down by him and try to get him to talk. How often he would have his episodes would be different, but I’d say that the general average would be around once a week. The episodes would also last for different amounts of time.
So I don’t know if this is a normal timespan, or if it can go faster or slower, I only have this one experience. Like you said I’m sure it’s different for every person.
What I do know is that patience is needed, A LOT of patience. An annoyingly big amount really. But it’s worth it. Because the patience is one of the keys. It shows that you’re not going to give up, and that in itself can help the other one to open up. A surrender of sorts.
I don’t know if this answers some of you questions?
Just answer when you feel like it, no emergency! (I answered almost 1 month later to a friend… and I’m still her friend. I hope so xD I don’t always find the correct words or know what to write or I’m just lazy, but then eventually, it happens).
I don’t know if I’m a really nice person.
I just want to be myself (nice or no), with my bad and good sides. And work on myself at the same time or later.
It’s really hard. I feel like if I ask, I’m being nosy. That’s how I perceive it. And if I’m nosy, she will shut down…
I don’t want that, but I also want to be able to do something. But how can you do something if you don’t know the story behind? Is it possible?
Patience and patience. It’s something I have to work on… It’s so hard…
How do you learn patience? XD
I’ll try that!
It’s really sad.
Normally I’m more used to hear the story from someone who lived it, but I’ve never heard from someone who’s next to that person, relatives or friends. From their perspective. They also suffer or are scared, not the same kind, but in some way.
Did you tell it to your brother before/after? Your perspective or how you lived it?
Yup, it answers some questions. Human relationships, emotions and human understanding are the most complicated things.
Thank you for sharing your experience and your advice!
Those of you who have replied are obviously nice and open-minded. Unfortunately, Mental Health Disorders still continue to be a stigma, especially in Asian countries. I’m not sure if anyone here follows Soompi – Viki’s own Kdrama and Kpop news website – but news broke out that B.I of the popular group iKON allegedly attempted to purchase illegal substances. He was heavily criticised for this act, so he simply decided to break off his contract to appease everyone. YG Entertainment is an abusive company, anyway, so maybe it’s for the best. The point I’m trying to make is that he didn’t do this because he’s some junkie. He simply couldn’t take the pressure anymore. He broke down, and he was probably too afraid to admit his problem and receive realhelp. It’s such a shame. I sure hope he’s now getting the help that he so obviously needs.
I have friends who go beserk if I don’t answer fast, so I just wanted to explain, thanks for understanding.
And you seem to be a caring person who actively wants to do something, so in my opinion that makes you a nice person. Not a saint, but a nice person, and that’s good enough.
By excruciatingly forcing yourself to apply it, lol. But I think you already know that, since you know it’s hard.
I hope you find your way through to your loved one. With love, patience and a listening ear it can be done. I’m rooting for you!
I’ve told my brother about my perspective and how I felt to a certain degree, like how scared it made me and how hard it would be for me who stays behind if he leaves, how I would miss him. Mostly to break him out of his ego bubble of lying and negative thoughts, and awaken some care that might make him want to stay.
But I’ve never told him about the toll the conversations has sometimes taken on me. I probably never will. He has many times during our talks said things like “I don’t want to burden you with this”, “I feel like a burden to you”. So he would think he’s burdensome, since he still oftens talks with me whenever there’s something he’s thinking about. Even though he doesn’t “dip” now and he feels so much better and our talks are more of the “preemptive” kind, I don’t want to risk anything.
I do have others to confide in though, so they get to hear it. It’s important for me to have someone to confide in too, otherwise it would be too hard.
If for some reason I ever tell him, I’ll make sure he knows it was my choice and that I was willing to do it cause I love him that much.
No need for thanks, if my experience with my brother can help you, or anyone else who reads this, then I’m more than happy to share.
I just heard about the suicide of the actress Jeon Mi Seon. Many may know her from The Moon Embracing the Sun.
According to what I read a family member had recently passed, her mother was ill and she was suffering from depression. Her agency says that she recieved treatment for her depression, but I don’t know what kind and the quality of it.
What adrianmorales wrote in an earlier post about Shinees Jong Hyun made me so mad I almost flipped my table when I first heard about it. That doctor that couldn’t believe that he was depressed because he was a successful and famous k-pop idol. For some reason Yong Hyuns death is the one that has hit me hardest among all the famous SKs so far. It think it’s because he really fought to get rid of his depression, sought help, talked about it, he even wrote a freakin’ book about it, and still it’s as if he wasn’t really taken seriously. I know that it’s not always easy to realise how bad someone is feeling, I don’t want to put blame on his friends and family, but THE PROFESSIONALS should have taken him seriously. That’s the least you can expect.
I think it’s time for SK to start working actively against the prejudice about mental issues and clear the stigma around it. I’m seeing small hints in that direction, for example in dramas (Kill me, Heal me being the clearest example), and in things like Kim Hee Chul not just dragging/tricking Leeteuk to see a counselor after his fathers death when he was struggling, but also recording it for all to see. The way I think we can help them is to be open about it ourselves so that they can see that the rest of the world is on the same path. That’s why I really like that you’ve made this thread adrianmorales. All the people who dare to talk about their depression or other mental issues are very brave and I admire them a lot.
It’s also high time to finally smash the lie hard into the ground that being wealthy, famous, and successful guarentees happiness and mental health. I thought it was a well established truth by now, after all the cases that proves it doesn’t, but apparently we’re not there yet.
I’ve realised I didn’t answer this part of your post.
I had no idea about what was going on in my brothers head before he started to talk to me. So yes, you can definitely do something without knowing the behind story. I think the most important thing is to just show that you’re there for her, and that you’re ready to listen whenever she wants to open up. It might be a good idea to tell her your perspective, why you are worried and what you are seeing from your end. That should help her understand you’re not just being nosy, but actually worried out of love for her. Just make sure you don’t say those things with an accusative voice, and make sure you make it clear that this is how YOU percieve things, not that it’s necessarily the truth. If she says that you’re not right, well, that’s the beginning of a conversation right there. Then invite her calmly and lovingly (no matter what her emotional reaction might be) to tell her perspective and story. Even if she gets upset while you are saying those things, I’m sure they’ll hit the target and work their way into her heart. She’ll feel the true love behind it. If she doesn’t open up directly, then as I said before, you can try to leave her be and let her come on her own. That’s my two cents, not really knowing your situation, so take all these advice with a grain of salt. You know her so much better than me, so you’ll know better the way to get through to her. Like I said, rooting for you!