An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.
Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, “Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
One day at school, the teacher taught the class rules of etiquette. When talking about education when eating, she asked the children to say rules that their parents had taught them when they went, for example, to a restaurant.
Do not make noise. - Said one of the boys.
Take your elbows off the table. - Said another student.
Eat with your mouth closed. - Reminded another student.
Don’t talk with your mouth full. - Quoted one of the girls.
The teacher turns to Joãozinho and asks:
What do your parents say when you go to a restaurant, Joãozinho?
There once was a wealthy man who faithfully attended mass at his local church.
When his time came, and he passed on to heaven, he was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. However, St. Peter made the man wait.
The man asked, “Why must I wait? I was faithful about going to church AND I was an important person on Earth.”
St. Peter said, “Well, we are readying your residence.”
Off in the distance, as far as the eye could see, was fabulous mansion after fabulous mansion.
St. Peter finally let the man in and began walking with him past all of the beautiful homes, each one more beautiful than the previous one.
Turning a corner, St. Peter said, “This one is yours.”
The newcomer asked, “But this is a dilapidated shack. Why do I get this?”
St. Peter replied, “Sir, you did earn great wealth on Earth, however, this was the best we could do with the money YOU contributed to the weekly offering during your lifetime.”
A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, “Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.”
A man woke up early one morning to go ice fishing. He dressed warmly and headed out onto the ice with his tent, his ice auger, his fishing rods, and his sittin’ bucket. Then he started to auger a hole in the ice.
After just a few seconds of drilling, a big booming voice from above intoned, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!”
Startled, the man looked around. Not being very religious, he resumed drilling his hole in the ice.
Again, he heard the thunderous voice: “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE!”
Becoming a little spooked, the man packed up his gear and moved 30 feet from where he was and began making a new hole in the ice.
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE HERE EITHER!” the voice thundered again.
The man looked up and nervously asked, “God, is that you?”
The voice responded, “NO! IT’S THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK!”
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and I will judge who does the better job.” So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.
But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain
poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed in every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irate. “Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?”
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer wants to ask her a few questions…
Officer: What’s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
The trust they have is unmentionable.
♀ 
