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Your laugh for the day


#2636

이것도!
:crab::spoon::tumbler_glass::cry::disappointed_relieved: Last shot request I guess. :joy:
Then the dinner :plate_with_cutlery: plate? You can see the bubbles as the liquor is swallowed.
https://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:4855782370639898

ㅋㅋㅋ! Spoiled dog :paw_prints: :dog: :dog2: :paw_prints: :rofl:
https://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:4851025463672937


#2637

She Was Soooo Blonde: …she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. …she sent me a fax with a stamp on it. …she thought a quarterback was a refund. …she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order. …she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooo Blonde: …she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. …she thought General Motors was in the army. …she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. …she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. …under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She Was Soooo Blonde: …she tripped over a cordless phone. …she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “concentrate.” …she told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “ONE WAY.” …at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here, she put “Sagittarius.” …she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooo Blonde: …she studied for a blood test. …she thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.” …she sold the car for gas money! …when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. …when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home. She Was Soooo Blonde …when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved …she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. …if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless. …she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.


#2638

When stars fall, :rofl: and other stars are in proximity.
https://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:4854513530765413

This chair seems to be a thing. :smile: :point_down:t5:


#2639

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, “How is much is this TV?”
The salesman said, “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, “Sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”

She replied, “I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?”

“Because that is not a TV, it’s a microwave.”


#2640

:rofl:


Six years ago! :point_down:t5:



A few months ago :point_down:t5:

One year ago :point_down:t5:

15 years ago!! 2007!! :point_down:t5:

Looking for Language Moderators for A League of Nobleman
#2641

When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

“And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a thingy?”

“Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

“OK,” says St. Peter, “rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

“Well now, what’s going on here?” says St. Peter.

“Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “If I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her butt in it.”


#2642




#2643

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#2644

A man was speeding down a back country road, when he saw a rabbit hopping in the middle of the road. Although he tried to swerve and missit, he hit the rabbit squarely. Being a true animal lover, the man slammed on his brakes, leapt from his car, and hurried to see if the rabbit was alright. To his dismay he found the rabbit was dead.

As the man sorrowing over the rabbit’s limp body, he heard another car coming. The other car stopped and the driver emerged to see what was going on. The other driver, a blonde, nudged the rabbit’s limp body with her toe and remarked that it surely was dead.

The man once again expressed his grief over having killed the poor innocent animal but the blonde said not to worry. She ran to her car, dug around inside, and returned with a spray can. She sprayed the rabbit’s body and, sure enough, after a few minutes, the rabbit stirred, quivered, and then rose to a crouching position.

A moment later the rabbit started down the road as if nothing had ever happened. However, every few feet the rabbit would turn and wave goodbye. The man was astounded! He snatched the spray can from the blonde to see just what kind of magic she had done!

The spray can bore the label: ALBERTO VO5

Wait For it…

…Restores life to any dead limp hair and gives it a permanent wave.

see! us blondes are good for something!!!

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#2645

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a message to one and all that he was searching for one. A year passes and only 3 people show up, a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asks the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces. The emperor says, “That is very impressive!”

The emperor then asks the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate. The Chinese Samurai opens a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh whoosh. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces. “That is really impressive.”

The emperor then has the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai thinks, if it works for the other two, why not try. Whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor says in disappointment, “why is the fly not dead?” The Jewish Samurai replies, “If you look closely, the fly has been circumcised!”


#2646

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, “If I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, comfortable.”

The telegraph operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s a blonde. She’ll read it slowly.”


#2647

a senior moment y’all, just read it ok?

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: “Well, how was that?”

The Airbus pilot answers: “Very impressive, but watch this!”

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?

Confused, the jet pilot asks, “What did you do?”

The AirBus pilot laughs and says: “I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry.”

The moral of the story is: When you’re young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.

This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.

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#2648

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over… I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,


#2649

At Joãozinho’s school, the Mathematics teacher took a sheet of paper and asked:

  • If I divide this sheet of paper into four pieces, Joãozinho, what do I get?
  • Four rooms, professor!
  • And if I divide it into eight pieces?
  • Eight eighths, teacher!
  • And if I divide it into a hundred pieces?
  • Shredded paper, teacher!

#2650

Boy aged 4:
Dad, I’ve decided to get married.

Dad:
Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?!

Boy:
Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too…and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world!!

Dad:
That’s nice, but we have a small problem there!!

Boy: What problem?!

Dad:
She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother!!

Boy:
Why not? You married mine!!!

Source


#2651

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section.

Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do.

The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.” He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.

The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”


#2652

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Mary?” asked Scott.

“I want to get weighed,” she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do.

“I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How’d it go?”

Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn’t way me.


#2653

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The Story of the Donkey and Tiger

The donkey told the tiger:

′′The grass is blue".

The tiger replied:

′′No, the grass is green".

The discussion became heated up, and the two decided to submit the issue to arbitration, and to do so they approached the lion, King of the Jungle.

Before reaching the clearing in the forest where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey started screaming:

′′Your Highness, is it true that grass is blue?".

The lion replied:

“True, the grass is blue”.

The donkey rushed forward and continued:

′′The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts me and annoys me please punish him".

The king then declared:

′′The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence".

The donkey jumped for joy and went on his way, content and repeating:

′′The grass is blue"…

The tiger accepted his punishment, but he asked the lion:

′′Your Majesty, why have you punished me, after all, the grass is green?"

The lion replied:

′′In fact, the grass is green".

The tiger asked:

′′So why do you punish me?"

The lion replied:

′′That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave, intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that to come and bother me with that question".

The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of their beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense… There are people who for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand, and others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t. When ignorance screams, intelligence shuts up. Your peace and tranquility are worth more.

Follow Us 𝗢𝗹𝗶𝗩𝗶𝗿𝗮𝗹

Author unknown

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#2654

Little Johnny rushes into the kitchen and says:

  • Mom, can you believe they called me a liar at school?
    The mother looks at the boy and says in surprise:
  • Hold still, boy. You’re not even in school yet!

#2655

@frustratedwriter
The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who doesn’t care about truth or reality, but only the victory of their beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on discussions that make no sense… There are people who for all the evidence presented to them, do not have the ability to understand, and others who are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and the only thing that they want is to be right even if they aren’t. When ignorance screams, intelligence shuts up. Your peace and tranquility are worth more.

This really gave me a good laugh today. Thank you so much @frustratedwriter.